Neighborhood Doctor: Radical Honesty
Sometimes it is easier to tell a small lie to your kids, than the truth. Like the Park is closed instead of the honest truth that you are too tired to go. Lying to our kids happens, we even do it when we feel like we need to protect them. We even do it when we are not feeling well by telling them not to worry or that we are fine.
In these moments it is important to remember that this form of communication is called Gaslighting. This form of communication teaches our children to doubt themselves, and this is why Radical Honesty is so important. Tune into this episode to get a deeper look into why we owe our children honesty.
Listen Now
Our Host
Dr. Ryan Hassan
Transcript:
Dr. Ryan Hassan: (00:01)
I am Ryan, pediatrician and dad here to answer my patient's most common questions. Today I'd like to talk about radical honesty. Most parents want their children to be honest with them. Most parents also lie routinely to their children. The cookies are gone, the party got canceled. We lie because it's easy.
Dr. Ryan Hassan: (00:20)
It's easier to say that the park is closed than to explain that you're too tired to go right now, and that sometimes you have to prioritize your own needs over your child. We disrespect our children when we choose to tell an easy lie instead of explaining a harder truth, lying to our kids, even over little things sends a message that our children aren't worth the effort it takes to tell them the truth, and that furthermore, we don't believe that they're capable of making the choices that we want them to, or choices that we can approve of if we give them accurate information. We deny our children the opportunity to learn from difficult conversations and experiences if we lie to them to avoid having to deal with them altogether. Sometimes we might even lie to protect our children. You might have a hard day or a difficult conversation, or for whatever reason be in a not so great mood.
Dr. Ryan Hassan: (01:08)
Your child will sense this and they will realize you're not feeling great. And if you have a particularly eloquently spoken child, they might even say, Hey, what's wrong, daddy? Are you okay? Mommy, are you okay? What's wrong? And a lot of us might say, nothing, nothing's wrong. I'm fine. Don't worry about it. Everything's fine. This is called gaslighting. This teaches our children to doubt their own senses, their feelings and their intuitions, and it undermines their self-confidence. It also tells 'em they're not worth listening to or talking to about our feelings, and that hard feelings should be buried instead of disgusted. Why would we expect an anxious or depressed teenager to know how to express their feelings in a healthy way if their parents have spent their whole lives modeling, pretending to be happy in front of them? We may think that it's easier to avoid discussing hard feelings with children, but children experience those same feelings themselves.
Dr. Ryan Hassan: (01:59)
Children, as soon as they're born, go through the whole gamut, from happy to sad, to angry. Uh, they get jealous. They get upset and frustrated and irritated and too tired, and it is incredibly helpful for them to see how we as parents, as adults deal with those feelings and to learn that actually they can talk about those feelings and it can be helpful to talk about those feelings. I recommend complete honesty all the time with your child. I don't think there's any lie small enough to be worth telling. Children who are lied to learn to lie to others, they learn to mistrust others, especially their parents, and they grow up to lie to their own kids. I want my baby to know she will always get the truth from me, which is why one of the few rules I have for myself as a parent is that I never lie to my baby under any circumstances. That's my show. If you have any medical questions you'd like me to answer, reach out to Boost online and come back next week for a new episode of boosting our Voices with my friend Ari.